Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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