Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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