My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
