Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You can't special order awesome
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
