I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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