Who wears a wallet chain?!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
