I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize