we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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