The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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