Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
