dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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