If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
