So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
