I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
