He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
