On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
