i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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