I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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