I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My feet surprised me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
