he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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