oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
