90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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