Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
