She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
