when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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