i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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