I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
birth control should be required to get into college
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
