I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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