She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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