my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
