My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
