these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
