How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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