Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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