dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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