i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
we should paint friendship bongs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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