I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
