I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize