my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
