I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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