my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Only a mothe r could love this liver
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
