Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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