just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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