I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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