mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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