it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
