that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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