In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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