Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
