highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
