My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
