I am spending my child support on dildos
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
sex in a hospital.. check
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
