i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
