my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
