around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
