I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
